How to help a friend?

[Naggy]

I know I've read similar topics here, so please excuse me if I'm asking a question that's been answered a million times over... I just don't quite know what to do about this situation.

I have a good girlfriend who is literally wasting away before my eyes. I haven't seen her in over a month - and today we went for lunch and I think she's dropped about 15 more pounds. She's about 5'7" or 5'8" and I think right now she MAY tip the scales at 85-90 lbs...

At lunch today she had plain salad and picked at some berries off of another friend's plate. She then said she felt ill because of all the sugar in the berries and needed to walk the 'long' way back to work. (These were plain wild blueberries and raspberries she had eaten.)

She's been seeing doctors about her lack of menstrual cycle... which she is concerned about, but she will not eat anything 'fattening or sugary'... She's also gone vegetarian in the last year.

I tried making some suggestions to her, such as eating more frequently throughout the day... and adding more starchy vegetables - like edamame, squashes and good carbs/fats like ezekial bread with natty pb or almond butter, steel cut oats/hearty cereals... to try and get her to bulk up her diet a bit - without eating garbage foods to gain weight...

I just don't know what more to do? It breaks my heart to see her like this... she was wearing a denim jacket, a t-shirt and a turtleneck and I could still see the bones in her upper arms/shoulders...

Does anyone have any advice they could share as to what more I can do to help her? I realize she has to want to help herself... I just feel completely helpless and like I should be doing more for her! :(

[Inatic]

Sad. Isnt her doc concerned? Parents? Family? Can someone get her committed for some help?

Unfortunately you can only do so much. :console:

[funnyesq]

I know I've read similar topics here, so please excuse me if I'm asking a question that's been answered a million times over... I just don't quite know what to do about this situation.

I have a good girlfriend who is literally wasting away before my eyes. I haven't seen her in over a month - and today we went for lunch and I think she's dropped about 15 more pounds. She's about 5'7" or 5'8" and I think right now she MAY tip the scales at 85-90 lbs...

At lunch today she had plain salad and picked at some berries off of another friend's plate. She then said she felt ill because of all the sugar in the berries and needed to walk the 'long' way back to work. (These were plain wild blueberries and raspberries she had eaten.)

She's been seeing doctors about her lack of menstrual cycle... which she is concerned about, but she will not eat anything 'fattening or sugary'... She's also gone vegetarian in the last year.

I tried making some suggestions to her, such as eating more frequently throughout the day... and adding more starchy vegetables - like edamame, squashes and good carbs/fats like ezekial bread with natty pb or almond butter, steel cut oats/hearty cereals... to try and get her to bulk up her diet a bit - without eating garbage foods to gain weight...

I just don't know what more to do? It breaks my heart to see her like this... she was wearing a denim jacket, a t-shirt and a turtleneck and I could still see the bones in her upper arms/shoulders...

Does anyone have any advice they could share as to what more I can do to help her? I realize she has to want to help herself... I just feel completely helpless and like I should be doing more for her! :(

1. 5'7"-5'8" and 90 lbs is gross underweight and probably anorexic.
2. Sounds like she has an eating disorder based on your description of lunch and after lunch.
3. Is she concerned? Is her family? If not, why not? When she tells you that she's concerned about lack of menstrual cycles, is it not obvious to her that it is as a result of her weight and eating habits? Is she trying to gain weight on her own?
4. If she is a good friend, I'd sit her down and tell her I'm concerned about her weight AND her eating habits. I'd tell her why in simple english that hopefully she can swallow. That I'd support her 200% if she went to counseling or an eating disorder program. I'd tell her that I don't want to see her further sick or worse, die and that I value her alive and well and would miss her. I'd ask her what I could do to convince her she needs professional help so that she gets it ASAP.

[tsunamii]

1. 5'7"-5'8" and 90 lbs is gross underweight and probably anorexic.
2. Sounds like she has an eating disorder based on your description of lunch and after lunch.
3. Is she concerned? Is her family? If not, why not? When she tells you that she's concerned about lack of menstrual cycles, is it not obvious to her that it is as a result of her weight and eating habits? Is she trying to gain weight on her own?
4. If she is a good friend, I'd sit her down and tell her I'm concerned about her weight AND her eating habits. I'd tell her why in simple english that hopefully she can swallow. That I'd support her 200% if she went to counseling or an eating disorder program. I'd tell her that I don't want to see her further sick or worse, die and that I value her alive and well and would miss her. I'd ask her what I could do to convince her she needs professional help so that she gets it ASAP.

:ditto: :ditto: :ditto: :ditto:

[michellebelle]

It's difficult, but there's really nothing you can do besides let her know you are there for her.

[Naggy]

1. 5'7"-5'8" and 90 lbs is gross underweight and probably anorexic.
2. Sounds like she has an eating disorder based on your description of lunch and after lunch.
3. Is she concerned? Is her family? If not, why not? When she tells you that she's concerned about lack of menstrual cycles, is it not obvious to her that it is as a result of her weight and eating habits? Is she trying to gain weight on her own?
4. If she is a good friend, I'd sit her down and tell her I'm concerned about her weight AND her eating habits. I'd tell her why in simple english that hopefully she can swallow. That I'd support her 200% if she went to counseling or an eating disorder program. I'd tell her that I don't want to see her further sick or worse, die and that I value her alive and well and would miss her. I'd ask her what I could do to convince her she needs professional help so that she gets it ASAP.
I guess I don't want to over-step... we're friends, but more 'acquaintances' than bestest buds - meaning, we go out for lunch/dinner every once in a while, but I don't know her family, her daily life etc... maybe I'm just meddling, but her behaviour and appearance today at lunch really concerned and upset me.

I reinforced the fact to her that her period will likely not return unless she puts on weight - something that the doctors have also been telling her apparently (as I would hope they would be). Her reply to that was that she didn't want to put on fat. (Red flag right there - imo anyways.)
I didn't want to be pushy, so I just kept trying to give her options of healthy foods she could start eating more of... And while she was eating the berries (complaining and making herself sick to her stomach about the thought of how much 'sugar' was in them), I kept reinforcing that there were great antioxidants and fiber in them...

Thank you to everyone who's replied.

[JJ29]

You need to tell her she looks awful and needs to seek help. Then, maybe try to contact someone close to her who can make sure she goes through w/ getting help.

[trinitylove]

nothing you say as far as dietary advice is going to make a difference.
she needs professional help and quick.
so very sad. i hope she gets help soon.

[Lynny]

I echo what everyone says....but you really DO need to say something to her/her loved ones or whoever lives with her. I know you don't want to "over-step" but her health and life is at risk. I hope she will get the help she needs! Good luck. ;0

[rogmel]

OVERSTEP!!! often a friend....someone outside of family.....can have a huge impact....tell her she looks awfaul, tell her you are VERY concerned about her.....confront her in terms of her....make her answer questions.....show her pictures of herself.....

i was in a similar boat MANY years ago.....and a friend who was brutally blunt with me was my wakeup call.....each person is different and she may resent the hell out of you, but you never know.....maybe it will help......

this is her secret, her obsession, and perhaps being forced to actually acknowledge it openly will be a first step!.....it sucks!!! good luck!!!

[singingmermaid]

Also, know that these things often come as a result of other issues not having to do with the amount of food consumed. Stress, wanting to be a certain way/certain kind of person and feeling helpless, transitions in life....being able to throw your focus into the foods you're eating is an outlet that, unfortunately, makes you feel like everything is how YOU want it in life. In a weird way.

So yes, address the food thing, but ask if she's ok...in life..

[strongchick]

She's anorexic.

She won't help herself until she realizes she needs help.

All you can do is be supportive and let her know you care.

Have you considered confronting her?

[K8T]

I have two anerexic roomates. Both well under 100lbs at 5'5'. While both have sought treatment and one has been put on medican for depression they conitinue to feel that the only thing that makes them special is that they are skinny ( both have told me this). Their families refuse to see that there is a problem (idiots!!) and in fact compound problems blaming ireegular heart beats and frequent fainting spells on stress. They know that I am aware of their problems and do eat when I suggest they throw in a meal. One however has in the last week decided to become a vegetarian, she has no concept of complimentary protein or methods of obatining proper nourishemnt on that diet, and it really scares me.

Sorry about the rant, I just really understand how hard it is to watch those around you destroy themselves.

[patience123]

There's really nothing you can say. A lot of times this dissorder (what she has is definitely anorexia) is not just about weight and food, but also psyhocological reasons. No one in their right state of mind would starve themselves and put their life and health on the line to be so discustingly skinny.
Have you ever asked why she's doing that and what started it all?
Is her family aware of how dangerouse this is? Is she aware of how dangerouse this is? She seriously needs to see a specialist. And curing this is a looooong process. Some people never do get this cured. Her not having a menstrual sycle is only one thing she should worry about. People die from anorexia :( Is your friend aware of that? I don't mean to scare you, but I thought the truth might be more important in this situation. :console:

Editing: Forgot to mention that when people with an eating dissorder decide to become "vegiterian," most of the time it's simply an excuse to ellimiate more food from their diet.

[MaiCarInMtl]

It's very hard to watch someone you know and care about waste away. A high school friend of mine is annorexic. She's been hospitalised many times, has been admitted to many specialty clinics etc, yet she still refuses to accept that she has a problem (she thinks everyone else is crazy, that they all have a problem). I haven't really spoken to her in a long time but I do get occasional updates from a friend of mine. Last time, she was brought to the hospital because she had fainted at school, she was down to 65 lbs (she's about 5'3").

Sometimes it seems there is no getting through to them, but it's always worth a try.